I've got brief news about school. I'm heading directly into finals week... Mudfest for PRO Board went as well as can be expected; good turnout considering the low temperatures. And NACURH is pretty much wrapped up, until the event itself. After the three-hour marathon arts and crafts session a few weeks ago, that is. Let's see... oh, right, finals. Besides a small SNAFU with the scheduling of my Dynamics (teaching class) test, everything should be okay. I don't even have classes on Monday or Friday. Studying and moveout. Excellent, right? Also, I corrected a problem with recontracting with University housing... Hooray for having a place to live next year, I say.

 

So, here's what's really on my mind: I'm a pushover when it comes to relationships. I've had three relationships with women in my life that I'd consider serious, and... uhm, let us count, here... oh, right: no other romantic relationships. I've been called "naturally flirty" which is a tad disturbing for me as a guy, even a bizarrely unsexual one. Perhaps especially considering that last bit. But I chalk that one up to being charismatic, and basically not ever thinking about girls as objects of affection. I'm just a courteous, upstanding citizen. Gender's no concern to me.

 

Two of these relationships have been with people I've never met in the flesh. Think what you will about me. I've thought much worse about myself, thanks. The first time, the girl in question turned out to vehemently hate my guts for a long time afterwards. You might think that since this was an Internet/distance thing that the "hate" means nothing, but I can assure you it was extreme. The equivalent of being spat upon.

 

The second time, I was (as I like to cleverly take this quotation out of context) "a dip in [her] relationship" with her "ex" boyfriend. I have to admit... it was a nice dating relationship (not that I have any basis for that description), but when I look back on it, it did seem like a temporary thing. Very nice while it lasted, and I in no way want to diminish how great it was.

 

And this third time... this girl I'm absolutely smitten with, she's recently broken up with her last boyfriend (in real life), and is considering looking into another guy (also in real life).

 

So, here's my brutal summary of me, in light of those: First, I don't know how good these Internet relationships are. I started from an unbiased standpoint about them, considering them as one in a spectrum of relationship options. I know plenty of people hate the idea, and think that it's for losers and nerds, et cetera. I'll willingly take either of those labels, really, but my argument remains valid, I think. It's an option. There are success stories and failure stories (one of which is that first relationship I had). Anyhow... I don't have much in the way of a libido, but I do appreciate the excellent qualities of being able to look into a girl's eyes, hold her hand, and so forth. So I would prefer a real life relationship, but the two girls who I have absolutely fallen for in my life have been on the Internet.

 

Second (and I know this is getting long, but there's more), I don't stack up to other guys. I'm doing something wrong, I'd wager, but I don't quite know what it is. In my second and third relationships (a constant across distance/nondistance categories), I've practically handed off the girl I was with to some other guy. I mean, this girl I'm wild about, now, isn't officially dating me--I'm extremely gunshy after that first relationship--but still, handing her off... I heave a deep sigh at that idea. These girls... I don't really know what to do. I mean, they want to go with someone else, or at least try it. And I don't see any alternative but to let them go. With my only real girlfriend in my life, I think I scared her, partly, being so... hospitable about it. I mean, she could tell I felt badly about it, but in the end, I told her that I wanted what was best for her, and let her go on her... merry way, I suppose.

 

And now I find myself doing it again. I cut myself off at the knees, every time; I don't think of my own wants or needs. I guess I could yell at them and tell them that they're "not allowed" to leave, or something... But I can't even bring myself to ask them to stay with me. I feel like they have to choose for themselves, and I want them to be *happy.* And if that means being happy with someone else... that's what's important.

 

But the damn thing is this: I can make them happy, too. I *can.* I'm so lonely, here, and I keep pushing away the people who care about me the most. I make myself unhappy, that way, and I wish I could stop it. If anybody has any advice, my e-mail is up above, under the page title. Shoot me some advice, or if you see me sometime, talk to me about this. I could use some help...