Tuesday 11 October - Monday 17 October 2005

Early afternoon, Monday 17 October 2005 - I've decided that this will be the last in this block of entries before I move them to a newspage in the menu at right. I'll title it something like "The Pendulum Swings," because I feel a lot like, since that entry on the eleventh, I've run the emotional gamut.

Right now I'm reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower, by Stephen Chbosky. I don't know how to say his last name, but this is a great book. My deepest appreciation to Kevin (whom I don't believe reads this page) for lending it. I'm also listening to mellow tunes. I feel very relaxed since I decided not to worry about my Ed. Media project. I think there's going to be a tremendous stink over the due date. I haven't checked it, but I think it's still Tuesday night just before midnight. People who work in the Macintosh computer labs can't work on their project any time except the once-a-week lab times, unless they try to pile in during open labs. That reminds me, I'm piling into open lab at two, and I have some conceptual work to do before I go; I'll make this quick.

I've got four virtues or tenets or whichever they might be. I try my best to spread these in the world:

Life : Love : Truth : Knowledge

I think they cover it, but this feeling I've got this afternoon makes me suspect a fifth point, a quintessence, if you will: Purity. This sublime feeling right now is a clarity of being that I don't often reach. More as my thinking on this develops.

Minor news: birthday party on Friday, Ed. Media project due Tuesday late night, poetry paper due Friday morning. Things are better with Kara; I was being silly about the whole business. Rachel's Internet was down one night, but I'm still as devoted as ever. Not much else to say after that, I don't think. Peace to everyone.

Late Sunday 16 October 2005 - It's too late for me to do any coherent thinking. I notice that these updates are piling up like used laundry. I'll have to do something about that, when I get the time. I feel relaxed right now; I feel melancholy. That's not bad, though. I could feel far worse. I could feel depressed.

Right now, I'm mulling over who I am and what I'm doing. I've been doing this since work this evening. Lately I did something very unfair to a dear friend. Me and my emotional paranoia. I'm not wallowing in self-pity, unlike some issues (burned face)--just saying that I deserve what little rebuking my friend has decided to mete out. I think I deserve more, but then... what do I know? If you read this, my dear friend--and you know who you are, I hope very much--I'm sorry. This comes from the heart: you've never meant me anything but good, and I had the audacity to accuse you of otherwise. You've made me think very hard about things, and I absolutely agree with you. I was--am in the wrong. I want to do my best to mend things.

On another note... I stress out too much. I worry over things, and waste a lot of time on that. I wonder where the time goes, and that is the answer: worry. It goes to worry, to hurry, to unnecessary obsession. I've had so much fun this weekend, just relaxing and doing what I want... If I don't fail my assignments this week, this philosophy just might pan out.

I just wonder... I wonder so much, so fiercely, who I am. To other people; I don't have many illusions about playing to a God unknown. He knows what there is to know about me, and all my antics and charades don't amount to anything, there. But other people... I never know how I seem. I wish I knew. I think that I lose a lot of confidence that way: worrying about how I'm seen, instead of being who I want to be. See? All this rambling fits together nicely. Or perhaps I just think it does...

Tonight made me want to write something. Maybe finish my story. I'm so behind on that. Maybe that will become my little project. But for now, I should get to bed... Tomorrow is an early day. Thank you, everyone who bothered to read this.

Thursday 13 October 2005 - Today is a horrible day. I thought yesterday would be a bad day, but I was actually a great day, except for my C+ in Ed. Media. But today has been far worse. I'm not going to place any blame; the person who thinks that he or she is responsible isn't. It's my fault, plain and simple.

I was going to elaborate on how terrible I feel. I don't think that's important. Suffice it to say I feel viscerally bad. I know my mind is playing tricks on me. I know I can't possibly be the horrible person I see right now; I even look fatter to myself. How's that for psychosomatics?

The point is, if you read this, it's a cry for help. I'm beyond the point where I veil it in stupid self-pity overtones. If you know me and you read this, please be nice to me, and do things for me to make me happy. I feel really awful, and I know that if I have any hope of feeling less awful, that hope is my friends. So be nice to Jenkins. Extra-nice, since you're all usually very nice to me.

Thanks if you read this, and thank you even more if you actually try to help.

Tuesday 11 October 2005 - Yes, I know I'm overdue... But, anyhow, life is still pretty good. If you want to leave now, the rest of this is just going to be details.

Went home, saw my old hometown, Winterset. It's changed a lot; still small, but seems more tourist-y. Maybe it was the Covered Bridge Festival going on. Pleasant enough. Got some good funnel cake, was inevitably sick to my stomach after. Picked up a few interesting items, one of which is an instrumental CD from a group performing in the town square at the Festival. The other of which is secret, and appropriately hidden at my home. It's a secret, so don't ask.

Dungeons & Dragons continues, my adventure dragging into an unprecedented third week. I'm not making a lame "dragon" pun, either, so forget about it. I'm glad I don't have to concentrate on coming up with more material for the guys.

At the end of the month is my birthday. I know I'm blowing my own horn, here, but I don't mind. Big party... hopefully. Still working on particulars. Talk to me, though, if you want an invite. Like you can't just walk in. Heh. I've got mixed feelings about it. I'm turning twenty, which is a weird age. Also, my birthday has traditionally been... well, not a pleasant time for me. I'm not one of those people who hates my own birthday. Yet, I guess. I always get my hopes up when it comes around, and that's a fact. Oh, well... another year, another candle...

Rachel's visit draws ever closer. I'm really excited about that, for certain. I'm still madly in love with her. She makes so much sense in the midst of my hectic life. She's such an important anchor, for me. Believe it or not, everybody. I'm saying it's so.

On that note, I should go. Class is done and I have work in a little while. I'm cleaning and getting some laundry done, right now. Everybody have an excellent time until I talk to you!