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Tuesday 7 August 2007 (again): All right, I'm back. I'm sick of this.
I was going to be a real Tommy Toughass and go with a line like "No apologies, no retractions!" Then I reconsidered,
because even though I'm angry, I'm going to try and be reasonable.
I mentioned in my previous post (in which I was mostly babbling meaninglessly to blow off some steam) that someone
objected to things I'd printed here. There were heated words exchanged. I hoped I'd made myself clear, but let's just clear
things up in black-and-white print:
- I do not have a problem with people who have legit problems, including medical problems.
- I do have a problem with people who have to prance around and tell people that they have problems.
- I do believe that some people have real, diagnosed medical disorders. Even though there's controversy about the
precise source of neural disorders like Asperger's, they are scientifically verifiable. I deeply respect science.
- I do not believe that all the hypochondriac nutjobs out there who claim to have some kind of disorder that has
never been professionally diagnosed.
Just because I picked ADHD and Asperger Syndrome does not mean I am picking on anybody in particular. In this case, I was,
but it was in fact a different particular person than the person I was accused of picking on. Two different particular
people, neither of whom were the alleged "victim" of what I said.
I'm trying to resist further flying off the handle. Very rarely do I have to defend myself; I make a decent effort to be
even-tempered with everyone, and I don't typically get attacked, verbally or (heaven forfend) otherwise. I've been in a tremendously
bad mood for quite some time. However, I'm a passive-aggressive bastard, and rule #1 of being passive-aggressive is that you
don't do it about people who will never be personally offended by it. I, for one, enjoy having a laugh at the expense of others
who might actually catch on. There's a risk involved; that's why it's some fun.
On a different note, some people really just don't get me. Never have, never will. I'm definitely finding myself more and
more estranged from close friends because I don't much enjoy hanging out with company, etc. lately. It's a good thing
that lots of old friends have come out of the woodwork; it feels really good to just be myself without all the... busy-ness.
I don't know how else to describe it. I can just lay back and depend on them to do what I expect. A little familiarity is
a great comfort.
I'm losing steam, and I've stayed awake far past when I should have. By way of parting rebuke, I'd just like to say to
anybody taking this stuff too personally: I'm not after you. I may be cruel and spiteful, but I do my best to put on a friendly
face, and you can take comfort in knowing that if I really was going to try and hurt you, it would be much more than a passing
comment. Any incidental jabs during day-to-day routine are probably unintentional.
Tuesday 7 August 2007: Not much to put up today. More bouts of intermittent rage at people. One of these days I'm going
to bust some skulls, if only emotionally. I hate to be one of those people that says, "Someday they'll all be sorry." Of course,
that's because a) crazy people say that and b) if people aren't sorry, whose face will be red then?
Honestly, in the vacuum of me having much that makes me happy, it's a lot easier to go along with what other people are
doing to make themselves happy. Well, "easier" in the sense that I go along with it, not that it makes me feel any better.
It may surprise some of my readers (although not most of them, since I hope that I've given a rudimentary sense of my character)
that I find plenty of things I do unpleasant. I do lots of them in lieu of anything else. Perhaps I've become lazy, I don't
know. It would be a real shame if I actually have become lazy about my own happiness. Then again, it would fit how I feel:
I don't necessarily think it's an achievable goal--at least not long term.
It brings to mind that poem by Frost, "Nothing Gold Can Stay." I find that most people believe in a happily ever after.
I don't know that I ever have. Of course, what's happened is that I've come out the other side, and really don't see happiness
as the norm in any case. It happens sometimes, and--God knows why--there are rare occasions when you don't even have to work
that hard to stumble into it. But it's not the norm, especially for me, because I'm not often looking for it.
It should be no surprise, then, that I do a lot of things that I don't really care for. I let people say things to me
that I shouldn't. I let opportunities slip from my grasp because I don't think they'll ever pan out anyway. I don't fight.
I've become complacent, in a way. Maybe that explains why I'm so frustrated. I hate a lot of people, but maybe I just blame
them for things I should cowboy up and get done.
I don't know; can't say. The challenge now is to do something constructive about this. It's already difficult for me
to tell if I'm being accomodating or just a pushover. I don't want to overdo it and turn into more of an asshole, steamrolling
everyone. Can you imagine that?
Anyhow, I've got a thing or two on my mind, for now. Oh, I had something said to me today about this page, from someone
I know. I was pretty surprised--I don't expect that anybody I know reads this. At any rate, I never consider that when I write
this stuff. I don't expect anybody to understand what I've got to say. Some people do and some just don't. I don't write this
for anybody else, and that's the long and short of it.
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