Other than school, nothing is going well. I'm in a slump again, and it's not good. I'd really just like to quit Dungeon Mastering for the group because, despite the satisfaction reported by my players (which I find difficult to believe in some respects), I'd like to go back to playing and stop having so much responsibility.

 

If classes are going well, then even the periphery of school, the social aspect, is abysmal. I feel out of touch, or worse. Granted, two days isn't a ton to go on, but I already know that classes aren't going to be enough. I'm still too withdrawn. I was thinking about things the other day, especially finding somebody to ask out, and I thought, "Your elementary problem, Jenkins, is that you just don't participate." It's a curious turn of phrase, but my inner voice is correct. I don't engage with people and do things, and even when I'm forced to be around them (in any situation), I keep myself aloof and distanced. I'm not there, not in it. My incredible inability to open up is stopping me. I may need to get back into counseling yet--a contingency I toyed with and discarded even before the semester started, assuming that I was just selling myself short because of my characteristic lack of confidence.

 

Worst of all, my faith has fallen through the floor. It started when I thought about someone I wanted to date, and realizing in a previous post that I can't work with someone who's chock-full of religious fervor. I'm a much more low-key believer than that. I briefly considered the romantic idea that I was one of those fringe believers who believes in God but doesn't hold with mainstream Christianity. But then that gave way to the hard fact that I don't see any proof for God in the Universe. And yes, I know that the whole point of faith is that it doesn't require evidence. But I don't see anything, anything at all, that can't be explained by the rational mind. I just don't know what to do about God anymore. Sure, I can acknowledge that He's possible. I can acknowledge that we live in a universe of infinite information, and that it's impossible for us as a limited race to know everything. But I can't conscience the idea of having faith in God and all His attendant miraculousness as merely an allowance. I'm still talking to Him about it, but things may be bad indeed. Thankfully, I'm at very least an ethical person, so my behavior isn't likely to change, but the world seems a little more bleak and hopeless if it doesn't contain God.

 

So, here's me, reporting for yet another rock bottom. It's a bad habit of mine, blowing things out of proportion like this. Hopefully everything picks up and I feel fine by the time I decide to post here again.