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Thursday 2 August 2007: Well, school's a-comin'. It doesn't seem like such a big deal, even though it's my last semester.
This summer I've taken a hard look at myself and how I live, and really... school? Not a big deal. Me in school is like a
fish in water. That raises the question of what me during summer is like... There, my metaphor breaks down. So sue me.
So, I've got girls on the brain. I'm thinking of going back to counseling this fall with a very narrow focus: see if
I can get a professional to convince me that I'm loveable. Yeah, yeah, it's pretty hokey, especially for stoic Jenkins, but
I've narrowed that down to my problem, in a lot of respects. I don't figure I'm worth it. That makes it hard for me to believe
girls would be interested in me at all; I have plenty of confidence talking with women, but I shoot myself in the
foot before I even start, because I can't believe any of my amorous affections would ever be returned.
I sound a lot like a broken record, I know; I complain about this on a pretty regular basis, whether it's here or in
real-life conversation.
That said, it's still a big sticking point. If I thought I could be "liked" in that oldest-school of ways, it would be
a load off of my mind. But I simply can't bring myself to that point. So, that's my biggest thing, now, I think. It got me
to thinking, though... what do I want in a woman?
Those of you who know me might be surprised to see me broach this question; it's not something I speculate on much, since
it seems pretty pointless to me. However! This evening I had a flash of insight, as I stood around: I was thinking
on this very question, and I realized that it's really several questions: "What do I respect in a woman?" and
"What do I desire in a woman?" There are more questions than these, but even this simple dichotomy caught me off guard; usually
I keep all of these lumped under a single category, but thinking carefully I do realize that these are different traits. There
are women that I respect a lot but never desire. Come to that, I'm pretty short on passion and desire from the start. (Reminds
me, I was watching that episode of Family Guy this evening where Quagmire has an affair with Cleveland's wife--I feel a lot
like Cleveland, having no passion; it's a very good portrayal of my situation, in some ways.) Anyhow, here are the lists as
I see them:
Things I Respect in a Woman:
- Literacy: This goes beyond the most simplistic definition; it's just hard for me to respect a woman who
isn't a reader. Which brings me to my next point:
- Intellect: Speaks for itself. I express myself primarily intellectually. It's just hard for me to imagine
going for someone who doesn't, either.
- Level-Headedness: I'm a practical guy, mostly. I like a woman who knows where she's going and how
to conduct herself. I don't have all the answers, and she doesn't have to, either, but some composure is a must.
- Religious Struggle: By far my most poorly-defined category, here; I struggle with my own faith in the
divine, and I've thought a lot about past and current relationships (both platonic and romantic) that have been... shall we
say, burdened, by a mismatch in views on the divine. I don't need a Satanist or an atheist, but an agnostic might help matters.
Okay, so that wasn't the best foray, but separating these two lists is a good first step (I think). So, without further
ado, the second list. This is the juicy stuff that I almost never talk about with anybody else:
Things I Desire in a Woman:
- Cute Face: I feel like I'll have to over-explain almost all of these. No, I don't need a supermodel.
I'm a reasonable man. But I'm not one of those guys that can overlook a bad face in favor of a great body (no matter how great).
- There Really Isn't a Height or Hair Color Requirement: Yes, I used to think I really liked tall women.
That's not really true. I learned that. I've also dated two out of the three predominant hair colors, and while I like red
hair a lot, there's really no requirement on this one. Other facets of this list totally negate any minor preferences I might
have on this count.
- I Don't Like Big Breasts: I recently read that blonde hair, large breasts, and blue eyes have a scientific
basis for desireability: blonde hair and large breasts make estimating age easiest, and blue eyes make discerning pupil dilation
(interest) easiest. Even so, I don't like big breasts. They kind of frighten me.
- Desire: Hah! Here's my biggest double standard, and especially difficult, considering that women are
societally pressured not to be overtly sexual (mostly--unless they're drunk or watch too much Sex and the City--zing!).
Point being, it's got to be difficult for some woman who might be interested in me to show any interest, because I'm such
a cold fish, and she doesn't want to seem like a slut. Still, it's incredibly helpful for me, being so slow to come out of
my shell when it comes to showing that I'm interested.
Again, that's a small list, but it's all accurate. I'm working on both of them. A few disclaimers, now: This is not me
being picky, although most of those bullet points are probably not negotiable. These lists are fun for me to post, because
it's pushing my boundaries about what I disclose to other people, and because it's difficult for me to frame this stuff for
myself; the list helps me nail down what I really feel. Additionally, these lists aren't some kind of bat signal;
I'm not looking for women to flock to me based on their compatibility with me vis-a-vis this list. I have deleted several
typed comments following that sentence, all of them basically saying how unlikely it is for women to "flock to me."
I know that I've been hitting the heavy topics a lot lately; this isn't going to stop, but I want people to understand
that as much as I repeat it, perhaps because I repeat it so much, my issues with women and dating are a
serious issue to me. I class it right up there at the top.
If anybody has feedback for me on this, helpful advice or words to the wise, bug me in person or on Facebook. I really
do take that stuff to heart (unless it's complete Disney tripe). Oh, yeah, and thanks for the compliments on my latest round
of posts, here. I appreciate that people are tuning in. Until next time, everybody...
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