First, there is Rachel. Always first. She's so precious to me. I love her in such a passionate way, a way I've never loved anyone in my entire life. I have vowed to protect her heart with all my power. She lives so far from me; it's so difficult for us to stay strong. I will make a selfish and foolish statement and say that I think she and I are the start of something big. I know I should knock on wood, after saying that; recognizing something so beautiful and good is rumored to ruin it. I don't care. I will love whom I will. There are those who have said I am merely infatuated. Rachel and I both know about infatuation, and we feel that it's only a part of what we have, together. I wish there were prose to describe what I feel, though I'm certain that poetry might have to serve, soon. I want so badly to help her to know that I am truly hers. I have other friends and be deeply committed to the people around me, but if I broke my friendships and commitments here, I would never trust myself not to break my love and commitment to her. I love her.

 

There is also Kara. I dated her last year. She was a lot of firsts, for me. I worried so much while we were dating. I wanted to be a good boyfriend for her, but I'd never dated anybody before. Robin and I had been intense, but that didn't last long, and I never met her in the flesh. (For those who don't know who Robin is, I don't think I can spare the space to explain, here) My friend Quinn has said that Kara and I were "in like." It's true that I had chemistry with Kara. We got along famously, all my worrying notwithstanding. But, to be brutally honest, I always wondered what I was playing at. I never did anything with her that I doubted or felt was wrong, but I didn't have the conviction I had, with Robin. It troubles me deeply from the back of my mind, to this day: that I may have made a lie of my affection, no matter how much I meant it, because I was holding the relationship up to another. Kara and I parted on good terms, and she's still a very good friend to me. I hope that I'm as good a friend to her. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: "It was what it was, while it was." I want her to know that all I did was meant to make her happy, and though I doubted then, and might question myself now, nothing will cheapen what we had.

 

I want to keep both of these relationships intact. Balancing things is always tricky, and especially this. I don't want to compromise either, because each makes me happy.

 

Rachel, I love you forever. I vow to show you every bit of the love that fills my heart.

 

Kara, you are a fantastic friend. I want to be worthy of your friendship.

 

I'd say, "and never the twain shall meet," but I want them to meet. I'd like it if all the people I hold in the highest regard could get along. I have confidence that something like that could happen, given enough diligence. But for now, what I want the most is the wisdom to honor both Rachel and Kara.

 

Thank you all who read this.