I've been thinking hard. This is usually a bad idea, but I have, because I don't know what else to do. I feel very confused, more than anything.

 

I'm still hurting over the breakup. It hasn't been that long, I know, but I wouldn't declare something so obvious without a good reason. It's the basis for more.

 

I've been thinking hard about my dating history, such as it is. One very unhappy and unstable girl in another state, whom I met over the Internet and never met in person. One girl I met randomly, and while she was very good to me, being my first kiss, among other things... I was a wreck, by the end. I had, and still have, no faith in my ability to be a good boyfriend. Lastly, another girl I met on the Internet and then met in person. Things went very well for a long time. I beat the one year mark, which was longer than the other two relationships.

 

By the end, things were bad. Our last visit, when I went for Prom... well, the jury is still out on that one, in a way. There were tough moments. I thought that we came through it, were honest that things were difficult, and had moved on. But there were other troubles. I just felt so useless.

 

It bears saying that my modus operandi when it comes to romance is... different. I'm not some kind of deviant, but I'm certainly dysfunctional. I feel as though I need to be useful, to deserve to be loved. That's not a flippant comment; I'm very serious.

 

The problem with this is that, besides my second girlfriend, whom I met randomly, it leads me into relationships in a Florence-Nightengale-in-reverse sort of way: I find someone that seems to really need my help in life, and I fall in love with them. And when I can't be helpful anymore... where am I left? I have no purpose anymore, because there's nothing I can do for the girl that I'm with.

 

There are people that would point out that I'm crazy. I'd accept this. But, within the parameters of my particular craziness, I need to figure out how to avoid these pitfalls. I'm confused about what to do now, in the wake of my latest breakup.

 

I love very deeply, and very seriously. I admit that marriage is a life goal for me. To wax philosophic, I'm probably trying to create the perfect family that I never had. Getting comfortable enough to spend time alone with someone takes enough time, let alone doing anything else. I could very well be accused of moving too slowly in a relationship, at least in some ways. In others, I move much too fast. I don't honestly see the difference between dating and marriage, except maybe when it comes to physical intimacy. It's about meeting someone else's needs for me, the incessant helper.

 

I think that I need to take a good hard look at how I get into relationships, and what I do while I'm in them. It might say something about how I've been getting out of them. If anybody has something to say on the subject, find a way to get in touch with me. I'd like to hear from you, and get an outside perspective.

 

Until next time, loyal readers. Tripod indicates that I've been getting a lot of hits lately, so I'll try to update more often. It'll be hard, with my increasingly difficult work schedule, but I'll see what I can do.

 

I'm feeling very unlike myself. Looking into my basic motivations has unravelled a good thing, in some ways. Not only in love, but in life. My need to help and cater to other people, while not awful in and of itself, is based on a rather twisted quirk inside of my head, I feel. In digging to the root of things, I may have killed the goose that lays the golden eggs. Wrap your mind around that one.

 

It isn't that I don't feel like being helpful and so on any longer... It's just that I'm really seeing how much I've shot myself in the foot in a lot of cases, trying not to step on the feet of others. I can't honestly say that my altruism is good or bad, all by its lonesome. But it comes from some bad places, and it leads to some, as well.

 

I've found, lately, that I don't feel like being so... helpful, all the time. I may be wrapped up in myself--strike that, I am wrapped up in myself--but it's not altogether a bad cause. I'm not a terrible person, by and large. Right now, for myself, I'd really like someone to pay attention. I hung out with friends this weekend. Going to do the same next weekend, plus my dad... It's people, for the most part.

 

To be honest... I do have a yen for someone to care for me. I'm a naturally monogamous person. And I have a very high need for attention. I'm not quite ready to go back to being the person who listens to every little thing from people. I promise you all that I haven't changed radically or permanently, not really. But I'm just not feeling quite myself, for now.