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Monday 4 June 2007: I've been doing some thinking today. It's been a good weekend between classes, and I got a lot of
down time. I've been reading some new books, which is always cause for celebration. As per usual, reading these books has
gotten me thinking. That alone is more productive than a lot of what I've been doing lately: banging my head against the wall
trying to "solve" my dating problem. Okay, dating drought. Well, this "more productive" thinking is in the same vein, but
it's at least more lenient towards me, since I'm in a good mood:
Life is a tough balancing act. A person gets a bad reputation for emphasizing one thing too much. Too much recreation,
and the person is lazy. Too much work and the person is a workaholic. Too much sex, a pervert. And so on. So, I feel like
I've really got to focus on making a relationship, but I can't focus on it without neglecting other things. I guess some kind
of prioritization is in order. I've never been good with that.
I keep going through alternate bouts of rage and intense dissatisfaction about my current lack of girlfriend, and past
relationships. Devil you know v. devil you don't, right? Keep wondering what's right or wrong with former relationships, but
I've never had any easy time on that "right" category. All former relationships are failures by definition. I've had this
discussion with certain friends and acquaintances, and yes, I come off as something of a monster because of my stance on the
issue. I have an ex who I'm great friends with. I have a couple that I don't talk to at all anymore--one for being sullen,
unpleasant, and generally one of those people whom I feel responsible for in a way I can't control; and the other and I
have a mutual agreement to just... be out of touch. It's an unspoken agreement, of course. Anyhow, I'm an idealist who really
hopes that any relationship endures and prospers into... well, I don't know what, honestly. I've never realistically thought
that far ahead. But the fact that it ends at all isn't a good sign, to me.
I do feel as though I've about pissed and moaned my supply of sympathetic ears into oblivion. I'm also barking up the
wrong tree, talking to a lot of people about it. They don't empathize (a subtle difference from sympathizing, I'm told), or
they have no interest in either empathizing or sympathizing, or any number of other small reasons. I'm considering
going back to counseling, if only for just a few sessions. I feel at a loss for constructive support (read: nobody will just
take care of this problem for me, and I don't know step #1). I didn't even intend this complaint to run so long.
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