On another, related note, I really miss having my school friends around, especially Kara. Goodness knows that this probably means I spend even more time than I realize making her be my personal shrink, but right now, I'm letting my statement stand: I wish I had people around that I could talk to about important stuff. Even Jacob... and that's not an insult. I was thinking about Jacob earlier, how he's been my friend for so long, and what a good guy he is. I can't figure out why. I guess that's just more evidence that I can't resist looking a gift horse in the mouth.

 

I don't know about things, lately. Typical of summer, I've lost my focus. I always used to think that I "needed the routine of school," but it's not even that; rather, it's the incredibly low level of stress from summer that's making me lose my edge. Yes, those of you who are laughing at my claim to an "edge" can quit, now. But, in my job over the spring semester, I read and remembered a fact about stress: Too much is bad for a person (of course), but too little stress can lead to the same loss of focus. I'm not at my optimum stress level without some due dates and assignments and so forth. So, I'm resolving to think more about that, and how to impose some kind of stress on myself.

 

Speaking of which, home has finally become cumbersome again. My grace period has elapsed, I guess, and now I get the distinct sense that I need to be doing something, or it's going to make my mom uncomfortable or something. I've never figured out what her deal is, but I guess that's just the thing about my family: it warps people just enough after a long time. My mom's passive aggressive, and I guess I've inherited the second-generator form of that, which just means that I'm minus the aggressive part, apparently. Plus I'm a worrywart. My brother, meanwhile, has become a career jerk and takes what he wants without regard to other people. Well... that takes some explanation. My view on my brother goes a little something like this: as far as I understand it, a sociopath is someone who thinks that "the rules" of society don't apply to him or her; my brother is, I think, one step below that--if someone doesn't tell him the rules, even if he knows them, he doesn't feel obligated to follow. Besides that, he's generally manipulative and deceptive. And my father... well, if anybody really hasn't heard me bitch and moan about my father yet, let me know. I'll decide whether or not to be amazed.

 

I've noticed that this has already gotten a bit long. Bear with me, please. This isn't going anywhere, per se, but I promise I'll stop eventually.

 

Let's see... where does that leave me, now? Oh, right... I feel out of sorts, and I'm making a laundry list of why. There are some assorted other things that have been on my mind, and at this late hour, I don't think I have the enthusiasm to make them into prose, so I think I'll cut straight to that artless form, the list:

 

-- I wonder about what I'm entitled to do and have in life, and who exactly is setting all the limitations I feel.

 

-- I promised myself that I wouldn't write this, because it's rather personal, and not altogether mine to share. So I will limit it so as not to give anybody the wrong idea. I wonder about the future of Rachel and I. I don't remember at the moment how much I've detailed it on the site, but it goes without saying that this is a stressful time for Rachel, what with graduating high school and all. I've been under some stress, too, but as per the above statements, obviously not the right type to keep my mind from wandering. Anyhow, we've both been under stresses, and with my wandering mind, I tend to worry too much about everything. Enough said.

 

-- The list is over. I don't really have anything. Most of my thought lately has been on that last item. There is one more thing, which comes back to that bit about not having my edge. I guess, at this point... summer makes me crave greatness. It's a change in my life, a threshold. A predictable one, yes, just like the beginning of the school year. Always makes me think about what I might do with myself.

 

This is the part where you can tell that I'm not depressed, because I don't feel like the world is ending: I know I'm not a remarkable, singular person in the course of history. But... I want good things for myself. I have enough backbone left after twenty years of screwing up to still want good things. I want to be happy, especially with the fruits of my natural talent and hard work. I don't want to waste my summer. Even though I have a stick up my ass most of the time--and yes, I know I come off like that--I figure that if I have fun this summer (really have fun, and not let people con me into thinking I'm having fun), I'd say that counts as a fruitful summer. There are a few other things I'm kicking around, projects, you know... but at this point, I'm just thinking about my life.

 

Sorry this took so long. I hope it was an interesting change from "D&D this, took-a-trip that." Though I am playing some D&D. And taking a trip or two in the next couple of weeks, starting Tuesday with my NACURH trip to California. Fun in the sunblock. Later, everybody, and take care. Oh, and drop me a line, all right?