Point one, I feel like I'm back from the brink of something horrible. I feel like the Jon of old has returned. Probably nothing that anybody else would notice, but I feel dynamic again, full of energy. This doesn't necessarily translate into a good mood, but it's all-around good for my mental stability.

 

This may have something to do with good reading material again. I can't explain why, but that change coincides with this other, more internal change. And now, on to my incredible preachy sermon about happiness!

 

All right... I'm going to try to be as brief as I can with this, but bear with me, folks. Now that I'm in my right mind again, I realize why I've been so unhappy. I've been insisting that I have ultimate happiness all the time. It's unrealistic and wrong. It's impossible to have ultimate happiness constantly. But see, I guess I was so obsessed that it was my way or no way... and the world doesn't play by my rules.

 

The Buddhists say that desire causes suffering. You want something, you suffer until you have it. If you really want something, you suffer a lot. And if you want the best thing ever, and you make yourself miserable about it, then that's what we call me making myself depressed. ;-)

 

I realize that I can't be happy all the time. Simultaneously, I, right now, understand that I am genuinely displeased with some things in my life. It's a real, solid, evidential fact. I don't like some stuff. Simple.

 

I don't think I see my girlfriend enough for one-on-one time. This isn't about sex, and I'm being honest when I say that. It's just about knowing that she wants to be with me, that I'm special. It sounds like psychobabble, and it is, some. But I like feeling special, and I'm not about to deny that because people think I sound a little like a psychologist. What I need to be able to do, though, is hold the idea that she likes me, and that I'm special (to her, at least--I won't kid myself about my place in the wide world). I need to hold that idea between the instances where I have incontrovertible proof for myself, those times when I'm at the peak of the... happiness arc, let's say. I like the sound of that...

 

Anyhow, that's my challenge. Know that my girlfriend likes me. Keep knowing that, even when it's not immediately evident. It's a tough problem, for me. Sometimes I feel, for the life of me, like she doesn't. And I'm sure that her impression of me varies... if it didn't, she'd be... I don't know, idolizing me. Heck, I can barely take compliments... that would just make my brain explode, if she were idolizing me. But just because a person's impression varies doesn't mean that she doesn't like me anymore. That's important for me to remember.

 

On the other hand, I do want to see her more often. I really am going to have to talk with her about that. But I feel so bad doing that. My last relationship... hah, if I wasn't messed up before that, I certainly was after. I feel bad even suggesting that she change her plans for me. The real catch there is that she's got some seriously important stuff to do--like keeping her grades up here at school. So... I don't feel important enough for her to do things with me, but at the same time I want her to do things with me. A paradox, sure enough. So, I have to settle that one way or the other: either I ask her to spend more time with me, or I give up and she doesn't have to spend any time with me at all.

 

That brings me to the lowest point, here. In the depths of my depression, I really wonder if I'm bound to be happy for the majority of my life, at all. I wonder if it's right of me to be so mentally sick and still be with my girlfriend. Certainly she doesn't need some neurotic jerk hanging onto her. It gets less severe than that, actually. I wonder if I'm right at all for her, if I can manage to be so unhappy about the situation. I should be grateful to her for even caring at all about me, right?

 

But the fact remains, and the facts don't lie. I want things to change, and I need to get off my bum and do something about it. So... until next time, whoever even reads this anymore!