|
Saturday 11 February 2006 - It's quite early on the 11th. I'm feeling
very disconnected from things, because I'm tired. I promised myself that I'd get homework done this weekend. As of the end
of Friday, I've done none. What a model student I am, hm?
I had a big talk with Rachel, tonight. I don't need to tell all of you what it is.
There are only two things you need to know, before I start in on my diatribe about all this: 1. It's very personal between
the two of us, and 2. Nothing is wrong between us. Things are copacetic; very good, in fact, coming off a stressful time for
both Rachel and I. But now, I'd like to ramble at length.
For starters, I don't think I'm thankful enough that Rachel is in my life. This isn't
the same as doing things for her, or telling her that I love her. It's a very quiet, personal thing that I don't
think I've been doing. Besides being generally thankful for all the wonderful things in my life, I want to work on being more
thankful for her. I could be with someone who's a vicious harpy, who's neglectful, or self-centered, or any number
of other things. I could even be alone, without anyone at all to fill that closest of relationships. Instead, I have a wonderful
girl who is kind-hearted, attentive, considerate, and someone who works so hard to be as close to me as she can, being all
that distance away.
Next on the list is that I think that I've been wasting the time I have with Rachel--in
a way, at least. She and I get so little time, in the scheme of things. Forty-five minutes here, an hour there... and I've
used it for frivolous things. Things that don't do anything for either of us. I want to rededicate myself to making our time
meaningful. I can't guarantee that every time she and I talk that we're going to be bright and chipper. God only
knows how many days one or both of us has dragged ourselves to the computer, our only hope being the person on the other end
of that connection. But that doesn't mean that I have an excuse. I want to weigh my every intention, measure my thoughts.
If they're not something that fulfills our purpose together, then they're not going to fly.
What is my ultimate purpose with Rachel? I'll tell you, but you probably
already think I'm a lovestruck crazy, my dear reader. But, nevertheless, I'll tell you. My purpose in life is to spread love,
light, truth, and knowledge. My purpose with Rachel, my most beloved girl, is that I bring those things to her.
And since she seems to like me a fair bit in return, I can promise that she'll get me: pure, clean, honest.
I can't say that I'm going to be a new person. I can't say that this dedication of
mine will last forever. But I'll always come back to bettering myself, especially for her. Keeping my mind and heart on the
things that really matter, not trivial, passing things; on things that don't waste our time, but glorify it. Neither of us
will live in regret about these strange and wonderful days.
|
