But I realized just how low my life in general has gotten. I aspire to nothing at all, relatively speaking. For instance, yes, I'd like to finish college. And I will. With a respectable grade point average, and the skills that I'll need to be a teacher for the rest of my life. Compared to a lot of people out there, I'm doing better than most. But, relatively speaking, I aspire to nothing in my life. Hell, I only decided to become a teacher because I was pretty much already good at reading and writing and explaining it to other people. Path of least resistance.

 

My life, if nothing else, has been a continuous struggle to keep things from becoming terrible. Besides that, it's a zero sum game. I mean, I don't expect anything good to happen. And so nothing does; I don't try to do anything out of the ordinary. I get along with my day, and that's it. I mean, it goes up to larger orders of magnitude than that, but that's essentially it. I get by. I dare not disturb the universe.

 

The solution to this is equally obvious: figure out what I want, find my opportunities, and go for it. Steps 1 and 3 elude me--all I see are the opportunities whizzing by my nose. I guess I know what I want in a big, abstract, useless way: comfortable life, enjoy every day as much as possible, find someone that I can't stand not to share my life with. Where does that get me? It gets me right where I am right now. Manageable goals are what I need.

 

In short, I need to turn my life around so I actually enjoy my days, unlike right now. What better time than the end of one year and the beginning of another to realize that?