So, at the end of this month, I turn 22. I haven't caught up with my mental age of 38 yet, but I'm getting there. Anyhow, 22. It's not old age--far from it. But it's still getting to the end of my college years, and while I take a nice retrospective every once in a while, I'm trying to focus this one on more constructive things.

 

What have I done with myself in 22 years? Pretty good standing, grade-wise, which is important to me. I'm an academic and an intellectual at heart, and while I'm ashamed of that more than I ought to be, I'll still own up to it. I do pretty well at being the smart guy.

 

Other than that? Hm... I've stuck by the whole church thing quite a bit. I've quit going almost completely in the last year or so, and had a major crisis of faith, but I'm edging back that direction. No regular church attendance in sight, but we crawl before we walk. I make the choice to believe in the presence of the holy and divine in my life. I don't know what it has to do with me in particular, but I hope that doesn't hurt my chances of some divine grace (yeah, I'm a Lutheran) too much.

 

I guess I'm not a bad domestic. I'm not exactly technically skilled, but I can get by. Still need to work on my cooking, but I'm not a complete novice at that, either. I'm a neat freak, but I think that works in my favor.

 

My biggest problem is really my self-loathing/confusion/et cetera. My real character notwithstanding, I can't stand myself sometimes, and at least most of the time I'm uncomfortable living in my own skin. If I ever let up, I find out I'm a decent guy, and maybe even a good person who has a lot to offer.

 

I speak one language really well, another language passably, and a smattering of others I can say a phrase or two. I'm into the details, but I also look at the big picture. I'm practical, but sometimes my head can get stuck in the clouds. Old people and children like me. I can dress well (though I can occasionally use a few pointers). I can have a civil discussion, an intelligent conversation, a battle of wits, or an all-out tete-a-tete of private jokes. I can rant if called upon to do so. I have a unique style, a useful panache. I can draw a picture, write a poem, and sing badly to popular music. I can hammer a nail, but I'm just as likely to hit my finger. I appreciate a lot of things, if only in private. I can be a jerk, but I apologize eventually. I feel strongly about many things, including being good people. I don't get lost easily. I can (in fact) take it easy, or bring to bear a pinpoint focus. I measure twice and cut once, and I don't give up on things I feel passionately about. I lend a sympathetic ear and a shoulder to cry on. I could go on, but I also have more than a shred of modesty.

 

All in all, after 22 years, I've done okay. I'm not in the gutter; on the contrary, I'm at college, training to go into a good profession where I might be very happy. Only the future will tell, because the sum total can't be calculated until the end. Negative balance or not right now, there's no telling how it will all come out. I don't like saying that, really, but it's the truth. I of all people know the potency of forgetting everything in one's past.

 

So maybe it might just turn out sunny after all.